My Cousin Recently Became A Realtor

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My cousin: Hey, Cuz, did you see the Warriors game last night?

Me: Yeah, Curry went off for six threes! It was crazy!

My cousin: You know what else is crazy? This killer duplex I just saw downtown. Total steal at two million.

Me: . . . O.K.

My cousin: Yeah, with a sick carriage-house-meets-Federalist-mansion vibe, right in the heart of the Village.

Me: That sounds nice, I guess. Anyway, what’s going on with Chicago? Derrick Rose looks hurt again; Butler wants out. Your Bulls are falling apart.

My cousin: Unlike this sweet pad I just checked out—Harlem-adjacent, refurbed-artist’s-loft-meets-new-mom-hipster vibe. Great for families and steps from the train. Massive deal at 1.3 mil.

Me: That sounds nice, too, man.

My cousin: It’s nuts out there. Total buyer’s market!

Me: You know I’m not looking to buy an apartment, right?

My cousin: Of course, man! And I’m not trying to sell you one! I would just hate it if you didn’t know about this insane penthouse suite near Prospect Park. Total “Guernica”-meets-“Creation of Adam” vibe. Eat in kitch. Washer and dryer in building. It’s crazy.

Me: Great, thanks, man. I think I’m gonna head to a bar to catch LeBron.

My cousin: Sounds legit. I’ll check in with you after.

* * *

My cousin: Cuz! Where are you?

Me: I’m at home. What’s up?

My cousin: My mom just fell. I think she broke her hip!

Me: Aunt Karen fell? Oh my God! What happened?

My cousin: She was just walking to the stairs—you remember she’s got that sick duplex—and she wiped out on those Spanish tiles in the kitchen.

Me: Jesus!

My cousin: I know! You can’t find those tiles anywhere anymore—like Spanish Civil War-meets-French Revolution vibe. It’s not that crappy linoleum you see everywhere.

Me: Is she O.K.?

My cousin: Yeah, she seems conscious. Lucky I came by. When I found her, she was splayed between the foyer—which is really more of a half atrium—and her totally appointed kitchen.

Me: Thank God you showed up.

My cousin: And she must have cut herself, because there was some blood on the Aubusson flat-woven carpet, which you never have to clean, so you save a ton of money over the long term.

Me: Do you need anything? Should I come over and help?

My cousin: No, an ambulance is on its way. We’re all good.

Me: Oh. So why’d you call me?

My cousin: Well, she’s probably gonna be laid up for a while, and I thought you might be interested in subletting.

Me: Dude, I told you—I’m really not looking for a place right now.

My cousin: I totally get it. No presh, man. No presh. You think about it. Again, it’s got that killer European washer-dryer combo. But you think about it and I’ll hit you up from the E.R.

* * *

Me: Hey, Cuz, I’m actually looking to buy a place.

My cousin: My man! I knew you’d come calling.

Me: Yeah, well, things are going really well with Becky’s job and I think we’re finally looking to expand a bit.

My cousin: You’ve come to the right person. Let me tell you about a sick spot I just saw that is an absolute theft if you jump on it now. Total “Meet Me in St. Louis”-meets-“Meet the Parents” vibe.

Me: Wow! That sounds great.

My cousin: Yeah, it’s a killer quasi-duplex.

Me: What’s a quasi-duplex?

My cousin: It’s a basement.

Me: Oh.

My cousin: But it’s pre-war.

Me: Nice! When was it built?

My cousin: 1982.

Me: How is that pre-war?

My cousin: Pre-war on Grenada.

Me: I think that was more of an invasion.

My cousin: O.K., so pre-invasion! It’s pre-invasion. But the best part—drumroll, please—it’s got one and a quarter baths.

Me: What’s a quarter bath?

My cousin: One of the bathrooms is a dirt hole in the hallway.

Me: That’s the best part?

My cousin: That and the eat-in kitchen.

Me: There’s an eat-in kitchen?

My cousin: Well, there’s no designated space, but you are permitted to eat food in the kitchen, so legally I’m allowed to tell you that it’s an eat-in kitchen.

Me: How much is it?

My cousin: If you act now, I can get it for you for three mil.

Me: Three million dollars?! I feel like all the other places you’ve tried to sell me have been cheaper and much nicer.

My cousin: Time’s have changed, Cuz. It’s a seller’s market.

Me: I’m going to have to think about it.

My cousin: Every day you think is another hundred K.

Me: O.K., then—I’ll take it!

My cousin: Hey, Cuz?

Me: Yeah?

My cousin: Bad news.

Me: What?

My cousin: We just lost it.