You Never Really Know
Illustration by Lea Heinrich
You never really know who people are. For example, just yesterday I was walking down the street when I saw a homeless man holding out a cup and begging for change. But when I got closer I realized that the man was not homeless, and that his cup was actually full of coffee! He was probably the kind of guy my fiancée would step right over without a second thought. Yup, you never really know who people are.
In my junior year of college, I accidentally began a conversation with a janitor, only to discover that he had been auditing classes for years, and was well versed in advanced philosophy! Yes, you never really know who people are until you meet them. When I met my fiancée, she was just getting out of prison for mail fraud, but she was so alluring that I overlooked her federal crime.
The world is topsy-turvy. The C.E.O. of a Fortune 500 company could turn out to be the greatest basketball player. A horse can run almost as fast as a leopard! People are so interesting! My mother, for example, is a nurse at a major hospital chain in New England. But I suspect that she’s speaking to my fiancée behind my back. Yes, you never really know what’s going on until you hire a lawyer. Unless that lawyer is John Rothstein.
There’s the old adage “The shoemaker’s son goes shoeless.” It’s true. My father ran Nike, and I work from home! You just never know.
People aren’t always what they seem. John Rothstein, for example, seems like a great lawyer, until you realize that he’s part of an evil cabal with my mother and my fiancée and, I’m beginning to suspect, my orthodontist.
Yup, the world has many different colors! Ochre, for example.
Everything is so unexpected. The tallest man in the world is from Turkey, and the shortest man in the world is dead. My orthodontist, Dr. Stu, told me that I needed to get my wisdom teeth removed, even though I could swear I had them removed as a teen-ager. People say the strangest things to other people!
For example, when I was coming out of the oral surgery, groggy and agreeable, my alleged lawyer, the vicious John Rothstein, was standing over my bed holding documents and asking me to sign them. I agreed, because of the effects of the anesthesia and because, when push comes to shove, people are all pretty good at heart.
Except John Rothstein. He’s evil at heart. But no one in this crazy world is just one thing. For example, John Rothstein is also manipulative. You really never can tell!
They say that when God closes a door He opens a window. Well, I hope “He” wasn’t anywhere near my condo. Because when the door to my condo closed I couldn’t get back in, because my fiancée had changed the locks! Then, when I called my mother, because I needed a place to stay, she affected a funny Bulgarian accent and pretended she wasn’t my mother and hung up the phone. Yes! People really are so complicated.
I once saw a swan and thought, All of the other ducks used to laugh and call you names_._
I once saw my fiancée kissing Dr. Stu outside the public library, and I thought, That’s odd. You never know who will be attracted to whom. A prince can become a pauper. A caterpillar can become a butterfly. Dr. Stu and my fiancée can be having an affair behind my back, and my mother, who recommended the depraved “lawyer” John Rothstein, can be orchestrating the entire thing—because sometimes, I’ve noticed, the most unsuspecting person can turn out to rule the world. Look at Mussolini. He spoke Italian and conversational Spanish.
My mother speaks Spanish. But only enough to haggle with her cleaning lady.
People really surprise you when you least expect it. If you expected them to surprise you, it would negate the whole premise! I was surprised, for example, when I discovered that the reason I kept setting off metal detectors was that Dr. Stu placed a tracking device in my gums during an unauthorized surgical procedure. My best friend, who is a pigeon, tells me that this tracking device has allowed the sinister cabal of my mother, my fiancée, my orthodontist, and the fiendish lawyer John Rothstein to avoid me while they carry out their orgy of sin.
Some things just don’t change. I haven’t changed in weeks. I sleep outside my former condo. The villainous John Rothstein lives there with my fiancée, and Dr. Stu is their babysitter. My mother is his nurse. I ask for change on the street. The cup I’m holding is a cup of coffee! My fiancée stepped over my body the other day! Dr. Stu dropped a nickel into my cup and I drank it anyway!
Yup, life’s a journey. ♦
